I know it's a terribly pessimistic way to look at things, but I just can't help it.
I love seeing that the numbers on the scale are consistently going down, even if only a little at a time. It's awesome. It's progress. It means the changes I make are actually doing something for me. But at the same time... I know myself well enough to know that I like my instant gratification. I also know that weight loss is no place for such things. It's a slow process, one that takes time and effort. At some point or another I'm bound to hit a plateu. I know this, because it's happened before. And when things stop changing, I gert irritated and upset and frustrated. And when that happens, I want to eat. And it's stupid and I hate it, but it's just how I deal with things. I wish it wasn't.
But anyway. Instant gratification. Typically it helps to set points along the way where I reward myself for what I accomplish. Not food rewards, obviously. That would be... Stupid. No, I mean other things. Once I had a goal set for if I got under 200 pounds, my mom and I would go horseback riding. I never made it that far, but I still like that goal. I really enjoy horseback riding... But anyway. Not every step needs to be something big like that, that was just a big landmark in my weight loss... Onederland, as some people over at 3fatchicks like to refer to it. Somewhere I haven't been for about four or five years. How am I supposed to make it from where I am now(257lbs, according to my official wednesday weigh in), to... even just getting to 199? I mean, my overall goal is to get to 175 or so. I would love that, it would be just about perfect. But how in the hell am I supposed to do it???
I know, I know. Mini goals. Little steps. I know all about it. Right now my goal is to lose 15 pounds by my birthday... June 6th. I've lost nine, according to my official weigh-ins. So I'm not doing too terrible in that respect, so far. Although it seems like in the last week I suddenly dropped off everything I was really doing. I mean, I'm not going nuts or eatching a ton of fast food or whatever, but mostly I mean I haven't been so enthusiastic about exercise. Which I need to be. I have to exercise because it really does help my weight loss. That *should* be motivation enough. But it never is. Once I'm at the gym, or on the wii game, or whatever, I'm good. I get through what I need to get through, I'm happy, I'm pretty much always glad I did it. But getting there... Ugh. UGH.
I try to just not think about the big picture most of the time. Saying I need to lose seven more pounds to reach my mini goal is way better than saying I need to lose eighty-two pounds for my entire goal... But it's hard when in reality, I know how far I have to go. And it's discouraging to think about, even though it should make me want to work harder.
Yesterday when i was getting ready for bed and I was getting out of my clothes, I just felt uncomfortable. I mean, really uncomfortable in my own skin. Like it just wasn't me. I'm not happy the way my body is. I'm just not. I can't help that, nor do I really want to. I want to lose weight and be healthy and be able to do more things, buy cuter clothing, be comfortable in a bikini.
I just don't know how in the world I'm going to get there without losing hope like I normally do.
Raining today. Suits my mood perfectly.
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