Oh, The Places You Don't Go...

When you aren't even trying.

I guess it isn't really a fair thing to say I've gone nowhere in my weight loss, because I've certainly gone somewhere, with somewhere actually meaning backwards, all the way to the goddamn starting line and then some. So I was pretty amazing back when I had lost 40-whatever pounds and was in the 220s. I was so, so proud in January when I was still barely clinging to that decade by a thread. Then something happened, also known as me not caring.

So now it's October and I weighed 268 pounds yesterday. That would be an extra two pounds on my previous starting weight, thankyouverymuch. I realize the situation could be much, much worse. I'm thankful, I suppose, that it isn't more than two extra pounds. But the reality is that I still gained all 40-whatever pounds I had lost back, and I have to face the dreaded habit changing all over again. All of the not wanting to exercise and wanting to eat all of the things is right in front of me, a wall that seems exhausting just to look at. But I have to start climbing if I'm ever going to reach the other side, even if "the other side" in this case means just getting back to the 220's. I miss that weight. I was looking pretty damn good if I do say so myself.

Right now I don't really care much about my end goal. I'll worry about that when I get there. For now I just want to set my sights on 200 pounds. For me, that is a pretty phenomenal place. It's a wonderful thing, sometimes, to be tall. If and when i get there, I will make decisions about how far past that I want to be. Maybe I'll even just focus on maintaining that place for a few months before I plunge deeper. I can't really say for sure right now, all I can really say is that I have to do something so I can stop feeling like such a failure for all of the work that I've undone.

Yesterday was by far one of the worst days I think I've ever had, and the majority of that can be attributed to my weight. I braved the scale when I got out of bed and it was all downhill from there. I was talking about it with Brandon, wonder boyfriend. Talking about what happened to my old efforts and why I sometimes feel like it's just not even worth it to try. Somewhere in there he decided that while I was already in a pretty shit mood, he may as well get it off his chest that even he is bothered by my weight.

I can't really explain the way that this hurt me, not well enough for it to really amount to what I was feeling right in that moment. It hurt my heart to know that someone that I love so deeply felt that way about me, or about my weight. I actually felt a little bit betrayed, and by a little bit I mean it felt like a bus colliding with me. Suddenly there was this uncontrollable need to fidget, and I felt like I suddenly had to be self conscious around him. This is not what I have ever wanted, not by a long shot.

I know that Brandon loves me. This much I do not doubt. I'm sure there are people who would have reacted much more violently to his confession than I myself did. Maybe it's because I was so shocked, but I don't really know. As much as it hurt me, I'm oddly glad that he was able to say something to me. I don't want him to have to harbor thoughts like that without being able to express them, no matter how much it might have hurt to hear it spoken out loud. And in reality, this is just another rather important piece of the puzzle that forces me to realize that eating everything in sight is(surprise!) not working for me at all. Things have to change.

But goddamn, change is hard.

Soreness!

So I did it. I finally made myself exercise yesterday. I went to the gym! :D

This pretty much involved 30 minutes of the elliptical, 250 crunches on one of those funky machines specifically *for* crunches... Andddd I messed around on some of the weight machines for arms. My arms ill probably be my focus when it comes to weight machines, because my legs have had the unfair advantage of carrying my fat ass around for my entire life! Sooooo they're already pretty strong. My arms are.... Uhm.... Well. I have absolutely no upper body strength whatsoever. So the idea is that I want to change that!

After my workout yesterday morning I had a little bit of soreness in my arms, 'cause I never really make them do much of anything... And holy cow, they're definitely sore today! Haha. There isn't a way I can move my arms that doesn't result in some kind of reaction from them. But this is good, right? :D Just means I actually made them work. Which is good!

I'm toying with the idea of going back to the gym today. Obviously I know better than to do arm machines again, because that would be dumb. But I could do more elliptical and some crunches and feel good about having a quick workout in there. Mostly I want to because my workout schedule for now will probably be something like Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday, but since I'm just getting into it I don't want to have the opportunity to have two days off to completely lose any little edge of motivation I have under me. Trust me, it's not a very sturdy platform right now! I'm not sure if I'm actually going to follow through though... I'm SO tired today, it's stupid! D: I guess we'll see....

EDIT: I DID end up going to the gym eventually, at like... 2. :D I really did just do another 30 minute bout of elliptical plus another 250 crunches that made me want to die a little! Hahaha. I'm going to enjoy allowing myself the day off tomorrow for sure now. :) Hooray!

And Suddenly, It Was 2011!

I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful new years. :) I enjoyed it at home with a few friends and the boyfriend. We played monopoly, watched movies, and enjoyed our general silliness.

New years os the time when most people make resolutions to lose weight, and then they almost never really seem to follow through. All I want right now is to get back on board with what I started last April. I had hoped to be at my goal weight by this April that's appoaching, but I doubt that's going to happen even if I get back on track now. Even so, I can make more progress... And more progress is what it's all about.

I don't know what I want to do about exercise right now. Running doesn't sound like a good time with the cold and the general wetness that's been going on here this winter(I know some of you would scoff at what I'm calling wetness... But I live in California. I'm not very tolerant of such things!). The other option is to actually take advantage of the gym membership that I have that I never ever use that my parents continue to pay for. That probably isn't a bad idea. Running was way more convenient, because I could just step out of the house and start doing it... Going to the gym involves driving for like 15-20 minutes, then working out, then driving back home. But I suppose it's worth it to get hot, right? LOL.

I don't have a plan. I don't even have a start at this point, other than the whole... I-lost-45ish-pounds-and-kept-it-off thing. That part is still awesome. I wanted to stay in the 220s, and this morning I weighed 229. So that's the highest part of staying where I wanted, but whatever. New Years was.... Less than healthy. LOL. But in all seriousness I have no idea how I'm going to make this start happening again. I keep on saying that though, don't I?

It's like this has turned from a weight losss blog to a someday-I'll-lose-more-weight blog. Emphasis on the someday. How lame am I?