Oh, The Places You Don't Go...

When you aren't even trying.

I guess it isn't really a fair thing to say I've gone nowhere in my weight loss, because I've certainly gone somewhere, with somewhere actually meaning backwards, all the way to the goddamn starting line and then some. So I was pretty amazing back when I had lost 40-whatever pounds and was in the 220s. I was so, so proud in January when I was still barely clinging to that decade by a thread. Then something happened, also known as me not caring.

So now it's October and I weighed 268 pounds yesterday. That would be an extra two pounds on my previous starting weight, thankyouverymuch. I realize the situation could be much, much worse. I'm thankful, I suppose, that it isn't more than two extra pounds. But the reality is that I still gained all 40-whatever pounds I had lost back, and I have to face the dreaded habit changing all over again. All of the not wanting to exercise and wanting to eat all of the things is right in front of me, a wall that seems exhausting just to look at. But I have to start climbing if I'm ever going to reach the other side, even if "the other side" in this case means just getting back to the 220's. I miss that weight. I was looking pretty damn good if I do say so myself.

Right now I don't really care much about my end goal. I'll worry about that when I get there. For now I just want to set my sights on 200 pounds. For me, that is a pretty phenomenal place. It's a wonderful thing, sometimes, to be tall. If and when i get there, I will make decisions about how far past that I want to be. Maybe I'll even just focus on maintaining that place for a few months before I plunge deeper. I can't really say for sure right now, all I can really say is that I have to do something so I can stop feeling like such a failure for all of the work that I've undone.

Yesterday was by far one of the worst days I think I've ever had, and the majority of that can be attributed to my weight. I braved the scale when I got out of bed and it was all downhill from there. I was talking about it with Brandon, wonder boyfriend. Talking about what happened to my old efforts and why I sometimes feel like it's just not even worth it to try. Somewhere in there he decided that while I was already in a pretty shit mood, he may as well get it off his chest that even he is bothered by my weight.

I can't really explain the way that this hurt me, not well enough for it to really amount to what I was feeling right in that moment. It hurt my heart to know that someone that I love so deeply felt that way about me, or about my weight. I actually felt a little bit betrayed, and by a little bit I mean it felt like a bus colliding with me. Suddenly there was this uncontrollable need to fidget, and I felt like I suddenly had to be self conscious around him. This is not what I have ever wanted, not by a long shot.

I know that Brandon loves me. This much I do not doubt. I'm sure there are people who would have reacted much more violently to his confession than I myself did. Maybe it's because I was so shocked, but I don't really know. As much as it hurt me, I'm oddly glad that he was able to say something to me. I don't want him to have to harbor thoughts like that without being able to express them, no matter how much it might have hurt to hear it spoken out loud. And in reality, this is just another rather important piece of the puzzle that forces me to realize that eating everything in sight is(surprise!) not working for me at all. Things have to change.

But goddamn, change is hard.

Soreness!

So I did it. I finally made myself exercise yesterday. I went to the gym! :D

This pretty much involved 30 minutes of the elliptical, 250 crunches on one of those funky machines specifically *for* crunches... Andddd I messed around on some of the weight machines for arms. My arms ill probably be my focus when it comes to weight machines, because my legs have had the unfair advantage of carrying my fat ass around for my entire life! Sooooo they're already pretty strong. My arms are.... Uhm.... Well. I have absolutely no upper body strength whatsoever. So the idea is that I want to change that!

After my workout yesterday morning I had a little bit of soreness in my arms, 'cause I never really make them do much of anything... And holy cow, they're definitely sore today! Haha. There isn't a way I can move my arms that doesn't result in some kind of reaction from them. But this is good, right? :D Just means I actually made them work. Which is good!

I'm toying with the idea of going back to the gym today. Obviously I know better than to do arm machines again, because that would be dumb. But I could do more elliptical and some crunches and feel good about having a quick workout in there. Mostly I want to because my workout schedule for now will probably be something like Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday, but since I'm just getting into it I don't want to have the opportunity to have two days off to completely lose any little edge of motivation I have under me. Trust me, it's not a very sturdy platform right now! I'm not sure if I'm actually going to follow through though... I'm SO tired today, it's stupid! D: I guess we'll see....

EDIT: I DID end up going to the gym eventually, at like... 2. :D I really did just do another 30 minute bout of elliptical plus another 250 crunches that made me want to die a little! Hahaha. I'm going to enjoy allowing myself the day off tomorrow for sure now. :) Hooray!

And Suddenly, It Was 2011!

I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful new years. :) I enjoyed it at home with a few friends and the boyfriend. We played monopoly, watched movies, and enjoyed our general silliness.

New years os the time when most people make resolutions to lose weight, and then they almost never really seem to follow through. All I want right now is to get back on board with what I started last April. I had hoped to be at my goal weight by this April that's appoaching, but I doubt that's going to happen even if I get back on track now. Even so, I can make more progress... And more progress is what it's all about.

I don't know what I want to do about exercise right now. Running doesn't sound like a good time with the cold and the general wetness that's been going on here this winter(I know some of you would scoff at what I'm calling wetness... But I live in California. I'm not very tolerant of such things!). The other option is to actually take advantage of the gym membership that I have that I never ever use that my parents continue to pay for. That probably isn't a bad idea. Running was way more convenient, because I could just step out of the house and start doing it... Going to the gym involves driving for like 15-20 minutes, then working out, then driving back home. But I suppose it's worth it to get hot, right? LOL.

I don't have a plan. I don't even have a start at this point, other than the whole... I-lost-45ish-pounds-and-kept-it-off thing. That part is still awesome. I wanted to stay in the 220s, and this morning I weighed 229. So that's the highest part of staying where I wanted, but whatever. New Years was.... Less than healthy. LOL. But in all seriousness I have no idea how I'm going to make this start happening again. I keep on saying that though, don't I?

It's like this has turned from a weight losss blog to a someday-I'll-lose-more-weight blog. Emphasis on the someday. How lame am I?

Oh, Hi There!

Yes, I'm definitely still alive. No, I definitely still haven't gotten back into my weight loss routine.

BUT.

I'm also still not gaining. :) I weighed 225lbs this morning, and I am very happy about that. Is it quite as awesome as losing? Obviously not. But the fact that I've been able to maintain this long without having to even really work too hard at it makes me SO excited! Clearly I was really in it this time.

I've more or less resigned myself to the fact that I probably wont be back in the weight loss game until this whole holiday thing is over. Luckily Christmas is in about a week, and then New Years, then it's all over... And I will have to take up my efforts again when all of the other people are also working on weight loss for the resolutions most of them will probably not follow through with. I will not call mine a resolution, though... I'm just picking back up where I left off. :)

These are the Christmas presents I have for people, under my silly fake plant posing as a christmas tree. All I can give you guys for christmas is this blog update, though. :D Hope everyone has a good Christmas/whatever else you may celebrate, and a super awesome new years!

Slowly, I feel like I'm coming back to life.

I haven't picked up the exercise yet, but that's okay. At least I have step aerobics to help keep me up with it twice a week. This is better than nothing, right? I'm hoping to get myself back into an exercise groove soon. But I've been paying better attention to my food again the last few days, and tring in general to not be so... Lame. Hahaha. I know that I have this in me, because I've already come so far, and what I've done even in the last two months is an accomplishment - I maintained. I fluctuated around a 6ish pound window, but I'm still right in there, and that is a huge deal if you ask me!

I had a reminder of all of the reasons that this makes me happy yesterday. I had a job interview at an Old Navy store, for a holiday position. One of the questions I was asked was to tell her about an accomplishment that I was really proud of. The very, very first thing that popped into my little head was my weight loss. I told her how I lost 45 pounds or so from the end of April to September. How it was a big deal, because I've struggled with this for a long time and it was such a good feeling to finally get ahold of it. I also told her that in the last couple of months I've taken a break, but still maintained my loss because obviously I have no interest in gaining that weight back.

I really do still have a great deal of pride in what I've accomplished, it just got buried I think under all of the lost craziness that I've been trying to dig through. 45 pounds is no small thing, and I worked hard to make that happen! I deserved the break I took, and I can't say that I really regret it, except that maybe if I hadn't gotten off track I could still be on my way to onederland by Christmas. Not the end of the world, though, because the point is that I'm going to get there, someday. It will be very, very exciting.

And in case you were wondering how that interview went at Old Navy... I'm going to an orientation on the 14th, pending the background check they're doing. Now, I haven't done a damn thing in my life, so I'm not worried about the background check, soooo... I'm more or less hired, I think! I'm very, very excited, because not only do I love Old Navy as a store anyway, but the last time I had a job was February of 2009 when they closed the Hallmark store I worked at. This is only supposed to be a seasonal position, but it's fun to think that maybe they'll like me enough to keep me around. If not, though, it will still be nice to have something more recent in my job history.

This Is The Story of A Girl...

Right now I feel like my weight loss story should start with once upon a time.

"Once upon a time, there was a girl who was very tired with herself. In light of this, she decided to make some changes starting at the end of April, vowing to shed pounds and low self esteem in an effort to reveal the skinny girl within. Her progress, once started, was fairly rapid, and she was pleased with her results. She trained herself to run, and eventually ran a race. But then, after the race was over and done with and she had no more short-term goal, something happened. She didn't feel the same motivation she had before. She'd lost more than 40 pounds, which she knew was no small feat, but then she was stuck. Her motivation had left, the wind had abandoned her once full and robust sails, and she sat drifting in place, lost in the sea. She still wasn't happy with the body she had, but she was more comfortable in her own skin than she had been when her journey. She couldn't help but wonder if this was part of her problem. She also thought that perhaps she simply needed to take a break from the heavy focus of actively trying to shed pounds - So she decided to try taking a more passive approach. Be more lenient, don't reall try to lose weight, just try not to gain any. She was mostly successful, but eventually she got the creeping sensation that if she didn't reign herself back in soon, she would spiral back to the place where she started, a place she had not wanted to go back to at all. Unfortunatley she seemed to have lost the passion she had once had, and really didn't know how to get it back in time to keep things from getting out of hand. I would like to say our heroine made it out of her slump and triumphed in the end, but I do not know the ending to this story as of yet. Only time can truly tell."

I really do think that the break I've been taking has been necessary, but I also know that I am in a VERY precarious place right now. For the last month/month and a half or so, I've simply had the goal of staying right around the same place as far as my weight goes. That's all I've wanted, and as long as I managed that I would consider myself successful in this time period. I would say that I've been successful in that, although I saw 230 on my scale this morning, which did not make me terribly thrilled after spending almost all of this time in the 224-227 range of things. Halloween candy is dangerous, in case you didn't already know.

I can't really consider this a faliur yet, though, because like I said... I've been here for long enough. I decided today that I really need to pull myself out of this ridiculous slump and get my head back around the weight loss game. I was happier when I was focused and paying attention to my eating and exercise. The last time I ran was the last time I posted a blog... A month ago. Almost to the day. This is so completely WRONG in so many ways, I can't even get into it right now.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the more lax approach to things I've been taking. More dinners out, almost no time spent on physical activity that would cause icky sweating and huffing and puffing... Hell, I stopped weighing my cereal in the mornings. This seems like such a trivial little thing, but it really counts. It's nice not having to work hard all the time to do the right things. It really is. But it absolutely has to stop. I know me. If I don't stop now, I will easily return to my miserable 266 pound ways.

DO. NOT. WANT.

I still don't feel like I know how to get my motivation back from all of this, but I've decided the best thing I can probably do for myself is start almost entirely from scratch. Treat it like a new weight loss journey. Who says it all needs to be one solid piece? As long as it gets done eventually, I don't really care. I'm just so sick to death of this scared feeling I've had recently. It's like I know I'm on the brink of all of my hard work falling out from under me, and I'm just scrambling mentally to understand and figure out how to pull myself back before my little ledge of hope crumbles beneath the weight I still have left to lose.

I miss my summer challenge. I really, really do. Those guys were astounding at keeping me going and motivated... Especially a shout out to Rochester, who I still like to talk to(Not that I've talked to you much at all these days... My bad. Definitely my bad.). But I can't exactly just go back to that... I have to keep going forward with this journey. I just hope I figure this out before it has a chance to degenerate into entirely old habits.

Dear Legs,

I know that what I did to you today was mildly shocking after two or three weeks of me pretty much not running at all of my own accord. I've gotten complacent and let you get used to sitting around doing nothing, with the exception of Step Aerobics on Tuesday and Thursday each week. Not the same as running, not even a little. I know that.

I finally made you go out and work today, and I felt you go, "Uhhhh... What??" I truly felt bad for you, legs. Why was I so mean to you as to stop running in the first place?? You were just fine when I was more or less in a decent routine and made you run at least twice a week. I know. I'm a bad leg-owner. But this must stop, for I still have a long way to go in my journey to look-awesomeness! We're about halfway there, legs, and you need to get me there somehow.

Now, don't go tricking yourself into thinking that will be the end of it. You don't get to take me to 175 pounds and just stop. We need to keep moving and stay active. You need to carry me around the world someday, legs, when they surely accept mom and us to go on The Amazing Race once I'm 21. You need to help keep me moving to keep this weight gone once we finish getting rid of it. You need to let me chase after my someday-in-the-distant-future kids. You need to do all of these things and more, and dammit you're going to be happy to take on the challenge.

So no aching, no complaining when I take you out to run again like I need to on Friday again. No excuses. You're going to do it, and you're going to like it again soon enough. We only did 20 minutes today because I was feeling generous, but you better believe I'm going to kick that time back up soon enough. I'm also gonna be on the lookout for a new race to look forward to, so you may as well get used to the idea now. It's gonna happen, so you best be ready for it!

Love Always,
Diana

((Was this really for my legs, or was it for myself? My answer... Is YES.))

Let's Just Say My Motivation Has Taken a Vacation.

And I seriously wish I knew when it was coming back.

For the majority of five months, I've been very into my weight loss endeavors. I was enthusiastic, excited, and ready to get this stupid weight off for good! And I lost 40 pounds with all of that lovely perseverance. And then all of a sudden... It seems to have dropped off the face of the earth. :(

Oh where oh where has my happy weight loss face gone, oh where oh where can it be....

*Siiiiiigh*

The good thing is I'm not really gaining any weight. I'm at least managing to maintain between 224 and 226. This is good. This makes me feel like all hope is not lost. I'm just not as on top of things as I have been. I have treats a little more often, exercise has almost gone out the window(I'm glad I have my Step class at school, otherwise I fear I wouldn't be getting ANY exercise at all!). Seriously. I ran once last week, and that was in class. The week before that, I ran twice, outside of class. I really should get back on top of that so I don't lose all of my hard C25K work... Maybe I should find a 5K to run in the next month. Maybe maybe maybe.

It's just been very frustrating to me to suddenly have no drive for this whatsoever. Like... I still want to reach my goal, and I know that it's possible... I just need to get my butt back in gear again, and it's proving more difficult than I would like it to be.

A Happy Wednesday!

Last week, amidst the turmoil and stupidness that was my strange weight fluctuation, I had to bump all of my tickers up to 230 from 229, because it just wouldn't go back to 229 for me in time for Wednesday. This week, I stepped on my scale... And got to move my tickers down 4 pounds! I guess this is just what I get. A week and a half or two of stupid ups and downs and stuckedness, then a whoosh of awesomeness! I can deal, if this is the pattern that continues. ;)

So pretty much that puts me at 40 pounds lost! And that is VERY exciting to me, because... Well.. Do I need more reason than that to be excited!? I think not! 40 pounds is a big freakin' deal! 45 will be just a little sweeter still, because that's my halway mark! So crazy to me to think I've come this far in just under 5 months... That is SO awesome, and I'm just gonna keep on losing. I absolutely WILL NOT fail this time. It's just not an option when I've made it this far already!

Today I went out and I ran, but rather than another 45 minute run I went back to W3 of C25K to work on speed. Where I would have walked before I jogged at my normal pace, and where it tells me to run... Well. I run. ;) Faster than my normal pace. It was really weird, because W3 workouts are way shorter than what I'm used to doing at this point... But that's no big deal. I still felt like I worked because of those faster intervals.

I really want to work on my pace, so I want to start doing things like that more often. Thinking about it, it seems like a good idea to do speed work like this on M/F(Theoretically moving through some of the other weeks, too), then do a normal endurance run on Wednesdays to break things up. That way I still keep up my endurance for time/distance, and I get to work at improving my speed. Seems like a good plan to me, but the only real way to know is to try it out for a week or two and see. Obviously this week is a little screwy for that, so I'm planning on doing a 45 on Friday, just because. Put my plan in motion next week! ;)

Run For The Me-One!

I did it you guys!!! I ran my very first 5K yesterday with my mom... NO walking whatsoever!

Of course there were things that lead up to that. I woke up with Brandon at the ungodly hour of 6:30, which I realize is a normal time for many people... But I really don't do mornings, so that itself was a big hurdle to get over! LOL. So we got up, got dressed, I had a bowl of cereal, and before I knew it it was 7:45 and we were leaving the house for the park!

Once we got there and hunted down parking, we met up with my mom, grandma, and sister, and my fake-dad Greg showed up a little bit later. Mom and I checked in and got our numbers and our chip timers, along with our shirts and a silly goodie bag. We got our bibs pinned on and our chip timers on our shoes and we were ready to kick this race's butt! But first they herded us all ontothe baseball field and lead us in some silly ass warmups that most people just stood there and ignored, followed by a couple of people giving us speeches, all that jazz...

Then all of a sudden, they were counting down and we started to run! It was pretty crazy right at first with everyone starting in the same place and all heading in the same direction... Talk about a stampede! But it didn't take long at all for things to separate out - Faster people moved ahead and all that... Mom and I fell into the middle-ish area, maybe more towards the back... But that didn't matter! We just did our thing and jogged and jogged and JOGGED!

I think the worst thing for me was the hills! My neighboorhood is basically flat, everywhere. So I never have to deal with hills when I run at home! I hadn't expected my run to be flat yesterday... It was just hard to look ahead and see hills when I've never had to deal with them before. Mom was great for that though. She was my own personal cheerleader through the whole run! ;) AND she put up with my whining... Which there was a lot of. There's always a lot of whining involved when I do long runs like that, but normally I'm by myself and nobody has to listen to it! She said she didn't mind though. <3 Love my mommy!!!

After all of the hills and the running and the crazy, we were there! We were running along the parking lot, then down towards the finish line... We made a point of more or less sprinting the last little bit, because you have to finish strong! ;) We finished our race in 44 minutes! Well... Technically 44:00.2, but whatever!

It was a really great feeling to finish the race and get a cold bottle of water. We just stood around and chilled for a little while... Got free jamba juice from the snack table... All that good stuff. ;) Once we'd sufficiently calmed down we went to the cars and figured out lunch... Pizza! :D Which was delicious and awesome and all that... And I also ended up having for dinner later. LOL. Went home, got a nice shower in... And spent the rest of the day just chillin' with Brandon. It was definitely a good day!

Sometime in the end of my run I was saying to my mom that I felt like I never wanted to do it again... But I think we all know that isn't really the case. I'll do it again... And probably fairly soon! ;)

Whoosh! :D

So yesterday after a long week and a half of climbing up thern coming back down three pounds, I was finally back to the lovely place of 229. This morning, all I wanted really was to see 229 again, to be sure I was really back. Instead, I saw 227. 227!? That's awesome!!! And so not deserved with the way I handled dinner last night(3/4 of a frozen tombstone pizza, anyone?). Really though, I'm past the point of weight loss always making sense, and I'm just rolling with it. I'm not going to sit here and be delusional and thing I can eat like that every night and still lose! ;)

So that was exciting. Another exciting moment was on Thursday the 9th, when we did a timed mile and a half run in Step Aerobics! That was pretty awesome, because I've never, ever, EVER been able to jog the entire time for a timed run in school. EVER. This also meant that for once, I wasn't one of the very last people! :D That was a goal of mine, since that's almost always been my trend when it comes to running, since before it was mostly... Yaknow... Walking. So I finished my run in 21 minutes and 36 seconds, which isn't phenominal by any means but it's right in line with the pace I've been doing. I actually might have done better, but I wasn't running in my normal shoes because I forgot to take them with me that day like a dork. Oh well!

My very first 5K ever in my whole entire life is TOMORROW! :O Actually, by this time tomorrow it should be all over. :) That's crazy! I'm so super stoked about this, and I also totally can't believe I'm ACTUALLY going to do it! Mom and I plan on jogging the ENTIRE race, which is gonna be super awesome! We also have some people coming out to cheer us on... :D My grandma, my sister, I'm pretty sure Greg(My fake dad! :D), and Brandon the wonder boyfriend are all gonna be there, and I'm so excited! This is a pretty big deal, guys. For real!

Other than all that, I really have nothing else to say today! I imagine tomorrow will be another posting day, since... Yaknow... I'm running my 5K and Imma have things to say about that, probably! ;D

Isn't It Amazing...

When you suddenly realize that you're not, in fact, a crazy person? And that the goals you've set for yourself aren't as impossible as they seem? I'm having one of those days, and let me just say that it came at a perfect time!

Let me first say this: I wanted to throw the scale out the window recently. My last post I was 230, but had given myself the 229 because I figured I was just fluctuating like a weirdo. Well, the next day I was 231. Then 232. And it was all I could do to make myself get on the scale the next day, because I was half convinced it was going to go up again. Instead it went back to 231. Then 230. And here I am today, at 230 again. Just waiting for 229 to come back... Then something lower, to prove I can. LOL. I don't know about anyone else out there, but when I have these moments it makes it seem like getting past it is impossible! I know it really isn't. I'll just feel better when I see like... 228. Or lower. :D

ANYWAY. That's my explanation for why my, "I'm NOT a crazy person!" moment was so nice today. You see... I thought today I should challenge myself a little more with my running, because my very first 5K is going to be THIS weekend on Sunday! Super exciting! But I figured I should probably make sure I can actually jog that long, since I've been hoping to jog the whole thing, no walking. So I set out today with a route planned for 3 miles, and a 45 minute run on my C25K app... And I freakin' did it!!! I ran 3.16 miles in 45 minutes! When you add in the distance from the 5 minute warmup/cooldown walks, I traveled 3.7 miles today. It was really amazing! Definitely a challenge, but the point is that I did it and I am just SO beyond proud of myself! I am so stoked for this race on Sunday, it's crazy. Mom and I are gonna rock it, fo' sho'. ;) We're pretty much badass like that!

Things are otherwise going smoothly in my life... School is still fine, I'm still enjoying step aerobics in a rediculous sort of way. I do think, though, that I need to really start taking food with me to school. I tried to do the cafeteria thing and it's just not the best way for me to do this. Too many tempting options... Like pizza. And chicken strips. No, it's better if I just bring food of my own in a lunchbox or something and keep it in my locker for Step. That way it's easy to grab after history so I can eat! Much easier to stay on plan this way, methinks. Hooray for that!

The End of a Seriously Awesome Thing

So, I told you guys that back in like... May? I think it was May... ANYWAY. A few months ago I joined a summer challenge on 3FC that ran through September 1st. Well... It's September 1st! The challenge is officially over. My goal was to lose 20 pounds - I started at 249, with a goal of reaching 229. For the past 3 days, I've seen 229 on the scale. This morning, I saw 230, which I largely attribute to eating late last night thanks to my weird class schedule. Keeping that in mind, I gave myself the 229 today. I changed my tickers, I'm considering myself at goal. The whole point in daily weigh ins is to understand the fluctuations that happen all through this process, so I'm using that knowledge today. :)

I LOVED this challege. Seriously, I cannot begin to express the serious amounts of support that came from the people over there. Towards the end it got rather sparse, we lost most people, but what really counted to me was that I stuck with it the whole way through! I also had one other person posting consistently with me in the end, and she's fabulous. :D For real though, I don't know if I would have gotten this far without that group. Definitely lucky that I hopped in there!

Since this was coming to an end, I actually have joined another challenge with a goal of reaching onederland by Christmas. Now, that's about 30 pounds in basically 4 months. I *think* this is doable... Maybe. If I fail, no big deal really. Progress is progress either way, and if I don't quite make it by Christmas, I can always try to finish it off by New Years!

I'm in my second week of school, and so far it's been... Interesting? Hahaha. I ended up having to drop a class, so I have a break of time where I can actually eat... Which means I end up eating in the cafeteria. I make efforts to hunt down healthier options... Salads and whatnot. It's what I have accessible to me, so I work with it. We did our first actual day of exercise in Step Aerobics last night, and that was pretty awesome! Definitely a challenge for me and my less-than-fabulous coordination... LOL. I managed to keep up pretty damn well, though, and I really enjoyed the workout. Hooray! Now I just need to get back on top of running.... Though I think that might get easier with Step thrown in, because I get more variety in my exercise. Maybe. We'll see!

EDIT: I went out and ran, and it was AWESOME. This really shouldn't come as a surprise to me when I reach the end of 30 minutes straight of jogging, but it continues to blow my mind that I seriously go out there and do it! My very first 5K race is coming up in just eleven short days... So super stoked! Even more stoked to have my mom running it with me. Of course, she's all crazy and has a relay she's already planning to do next! I was going to do it until I found out the required pace of something like a 12ish minute mile? Something like that. Basically way faster than I am, since I'm currently doing a mile in just under 15 minutes. Whatever. That's still super awesome. Someday I'll work on my speed... Someday...

Funny How Tone Can Change From Post to Post!

UGH. I know this pretty much should have been expected after the magical pound-a-day for four days thing, but damn it sure is annoying! After I posted my last one about being 230, I was 230 for another day or two... then I was 229! And then I was 230 again for a few days... And now I've been 231 for a few days... GRRRR. Knock it off!!!

In all fairness, I can't really just yell at the scale. I obviously have some blame in this as well. I've lacked some serious motivation over the last week or so. Seriously. I ran yesterday... And the last time I had run prior to that was last Friday. AWEFUL. And it isn't even like I could feel less bad about it from step at school, because we haven't actually started doing aerobics yet! That'll happen tuesday... Actually very stoked about that. BUT. The point is, I hadn't exercised all week. BAD. And then I made some choices with food that weren't quite so fabulous. Not super god-aweful like it could have been, but still. Pretty bad.

My motivation has just seemed to take a little vacation, which really sucks. I do not want to sit here *almost* halfway to my goal, *almost* out of the 230s... *almost*.... You get it. That's just screwed up. And naturally I am the only one to be blamed for it! I just... Need to get my motivation back in line with the things I think in my head. Blegh.

Hopefully a silly little event from today will help with that! I had to go to the mall so I could buy like... two things so I would actually be able to have workout clothes both at school and at home, and I was in Pennys, and they had swimsuits on sale! Like... Rediculous sale. So I had to go look, because I keep thinking it would be nice to have a goal suit, just for fun. God only knows what my actual size will be come next summer... It's just something cute to look at and daydream about while I run. At least... That's the plan. LOL. So I actually found something really cute that I liked, and each piece was only $4.85! :D Same with the workout bottoms I bought. SUPER cheap! Definitely can't complain there. And the sports bra I bought at sears was like 1/2 off, too. Very nice!

So pretty much I'm hoping that with real exercise starting in Step this next week along with having a silly motivational bathing suit to hopefully get me back on track with running, I'll get back on track all around again. This is just a little bump in the road that I need to get over for a little more smooth sailing. :)

You didn't really think I'd leave you without a picture of the super cute goal suit, did you?? Here it is! On my kitchen counter, no less... LOL. Only place with decent light! And I didn't feel like using my real camera. Yay for iPhone!

Just Look At Me Go!

Today I am feeling pretty damn awesome! See my ticker over there to the left? Yeah. 230 pounds. That's how much I weigh today, and that is amazing! I've lost 36 pounds altogether, and I am beyond impressed with myself! Which, I guess sounds bad... But hey! I'm doing some major things here! I'm literally working my ass off, and it feels great. Last Thursday when I posted here last, I weighed 233 pounds... Then my scale was a jerk on friday, then things just fell off all of a sudden. Seriously. From Friday, my weigh-ins looked like this:

235-233-232-231-230-230

Craziness. I'm thinking that I was retaining something or.... Something. 'Cause that's usually the only explanation for drops like that! Not that I'm complaining. I love to see that number get lower and lower... ;)

Time for some math fun! As of today it has been 17 weeks since I started this journey! That's pretty awesome. In 17 weeks, I've lost 36 pounds, which comes out to an average of 2.12 pounds lost per week! I absolutely LOVE that I have been able to maintain that kind of momentum. Seriously. It's absolutely amazing to me what my body is capable of if I just, yaknow, give it the effort it needs! Now why didn't I figure that out sooner?? LOL.

School starts for me on Tuesday... Let the craziness begin!!! I still don't have something to take food with me yet. I went to Target to find something, and all of their options were just... Not what I wanted. At all. Leave it to me to be picky! I may just start of with throwing stuff into a tupperware container or something that I can fit in my backpack... Just don't take anything that would need to stay cool. I dunno. I'll figure something out, I'm sure!

I'm just so pleased with my fabulous progress right now. It really is just amazing to me how far I've come. I still have a ways to go... But in 9 more pounds, I'll be halfway to my goal! Yeeee! So rediculously exciting... I can't even begin to explain it. :D I just have to keep moving forward!

It's Become a Journey I Can(Mostly) Enjoy.

Yep yep! I've pretty much gotten used to the way I've been eating and the exercise I'm doing, so it's slowly morphing into something that I just do because... That's what I do! Don't get my wrong, I hacve my days where I want to eat every thin under the sun, or I just don't want to exercise, or... Whatever, but for the most part I just do what I need to do, and I'm pretty much happy to do it! Not gonna lie, I almost always dread exercising... But the hardest part is getting myself to just do it! Once I'm up and I go, I'm happy I did. :)

After the crazy awesome anniversary dinner I mentioned in my last post, I'm finally back to the weight I saw the morning of my anniversary today - 233! :D I then realized that I'm only 4 pounds away from the goal I had set myself to lose by September 1st. When did that happen!? That's pretty freakin' awesome. Even with the occasional setback, I'm still just rollin' along...

I have to admit, though, that I'm worried a little bit about the start of school approaching. Granted it's only two days a week, so it can't be *that* bad... But I'm there noon-9 on Tuesdays, Noon-6 on Thursdays, and I only have 10 minute breaks in between my classes. Where am I supposed to find time to, yaknow, eat!? I've pretty much come to the realization that I have to get something like a lunchbox or something to carry some decent snacks with me, because I know what they serve in the cafeteria at the college... Things I would do best to avoid, mostly. ;) The upside is that I'm taking step aerobics this semester, which should be fun for involving more exercise in my life, and I plan to keep up with running MWF... So I'm going to be one of those people I always thought were crazy for working out so much in a week! At least that's what I'm hoping. ;)

As of today there is exactly one month until my mommy and I run our 5K!!! I can't even begin to believe we're actually going to do this! Absolutely insane. The old me never would have believed you if you had told her this would be my eventual life. "Me, running? You're hilarious!"

Ha ha, old self. Ha. Ha.

A Couple of Noteworthy Things. :)

First of all, I reached my 235 mini goal! Super exciting. :D Definitely feeling good about having lost 30 pounds, definitely ready to keep this thing moving!

Yesterday, I finished C25K!!! I'm so happy that I stuck with the program the whole way through. I only skipped one day, and that was while we were travelling. I never thought I'd be able to jog for 30 minutes straight... Never ever ever! But here I am, and I can do it, and it feels great! The 5K I wanna run is next month, and until then I think I'm just going to try and figure out a route around my neighboorhood that's about 3 miles to try and get myself to run without stopping. Practice and all that. ;) I think I'll probably wait until after running the race to try to go back through and work on my speed. Right now, I just wanna make sure I can actually run the distance!

Friday night, the 6th, was my anniversary with Brandon. :) I'm super happy to have him in my life... To celebrate, we went out to a very nice restaraunt called Moxie, where the food was delicious, but very rich... So needless to say I was up a little bit yesterday, back to 235(I had weighed 233 on Friday morning...). I really wasn't too surprised by that... It does suck that it's stuck around today, too! But my eating habits yesterday weren't really normal either. I wasn't hungry, so I didn't eat until the afternoon when I was at a friend's birthday party, and then when I actually did get a little hungry I overindulged in the delicious foods her mom had made for the party. Definitely ate more than I really needed to. But then i wasn't hungry the rest of the day, and didn't eat anything. Yeah. Not the greatest habits! So hopefully soon enough my weight will drop back down, and continue on to my next mini goal... 225! No idea when I last was in the 220's. Sometime when I wasn't really paying attention, I'm sure!

I've Never Thought I Had Much To Be Proud Of....

Until thinking about things today.

I mean, really? Three months ago, I weighed 266 pounds. Today, I got in the scale and weighed 236 - 30 pounds lost. 30 POUNDS. That's a LOT! I mean, that's the average weight of a three year old child(or so I just got from some random website. Don't quote me on that.). Craziness! And then there's the running. Today, I completed W8D3 of the C25K program, which involved running for 28 minutes straight. What is this!? I used to think running was some evil thing that nobody should do. Ever. And now I find myself actually enjoying it!?!?(Once I get started, anyway). Since I started actually tracking inches in a whole bunch of places on my body, I've lost about 12.5 collectively. This is insane! I'm making better choices with my eating habits, and I'm in a good enough place to not beat myself up too much or drive myself to crazy if I indulge once in a while. I'm actually LIVING, as opposed to being obsessive and crazy to the point where I give up super fast. This is rediculously awesome.

This is my time to get this right. To really focus and make this happen. And I'm actually doing it and feeling like I'm making the best possible choice for me right now. It's a really amazing feeling, to tell you the truth. I'm finally giving myself what I deserve, and I'm so, SO glad that I finally came around.

Greetings From Washington!

I'm still alive. :] Like I told you, I'm in Washington because my cousin got married today! It was pretty exciting. I cried through the entire freaking ceremony... Whay a baby! LOL. Okay, I guess such behavior is expected at weddings... ;) All that love floating around and whatnot!

Not a whole lot to say, really. As far as eating habits go, I feel like I've been eating a lot, but in reality I think I'm just in shock from not having weight loss constantly on my mind, so when I DO think about it I'm like, "Eek!" But the idea for this week was to at least maintain 238, which we'll see if I manage on Thursday morning, once I'm home and have my trusty scale back in the room right next to mine. ;) I've also kept up with C25K, along with my mommy since she's also been working through it. This week she decided to more or less skip week 6 so that she's be in the same place as me. She's in much better shape, so that wasn't too big of a deal for her... Especially since my running pace is SO freaking slow! But hey - Jogging is better than nothing at all, even if I feel like I have a crap pace! Hahaha

Anywho. Just thought I'd pop in and let you know I wasn't in Washington drowning in a sea of donuts or something. 'Cause I'm not. :D I'm trying to keep on track of things... Trying being the operative! We'll se how it all works out in the end.

25 Minute Run? Pshh. Yeah, I Can Do That!

Yep yep! Today was W6D3, the first of four 25 minute runs! I got through it just fine, no real major issues to speak of! I'm not all that thrilled with my pace right now, seeing as how in the 25 minutes of running I only traveled 1.71 miles... But hey, considering a few weeks ago the thought of me running for 25 minutes straight was extremely laughable, I suppose I should take what I can get! ;) Once you include the warmup/cooldown walks, I traveled a total of 2.27 miles, which is pretty awesome, really! I just wish I could pick up my pace on my running just a little bit. Would have been nice if I ran 2 miles!

Aside from that, I have nothing new really to report! I'm still sitting at 241 for the 4th day in a row, which I'm trying to avoid being too bothered by because I lost 4 pounds last week, so I may not lose anything this one... But hey, I can still hope! Nothing wrong with that... Right!? ;)

Yeah, it's a good thing I did fine with my 25 minute run today... All next week is exactly the same thing!